i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
