saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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