Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
