News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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