how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
