I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
