He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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