I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
