can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
