Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
