I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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