I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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