# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
