you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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