We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
