i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This girl is more easily done than said...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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