I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The power of my boobs compel you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
