I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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