Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
