apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
