he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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