Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i out mim tonsoeep
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
