Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
