Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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