my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
