he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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