Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
