Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
a search helicopter?!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
