Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
