don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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