I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
