He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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