The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
