my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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