I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
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I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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