I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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