Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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