perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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