Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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