I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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