he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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