3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
