omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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