i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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