I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
