I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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