You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
