4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
