you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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