I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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