false alarm. still invincible.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
