Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Holy sore nipples Batman
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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