I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
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Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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