The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think my vagina is haunted
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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