epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
